A woman reflects on the end of a four-year relationship and what she looks for in future partners. It turns out she’s not the only one who’s noticed a communication theory that often goes unspoken.
In a video that has been viewed more than 243,000 times, Liv (@livlawlove), a law student living in Chicago, explains that she wishes she had paid more attention to certain aspects of her past relationship.
What is the “concert theory”?
Liv noticed an imbalance in how she and her partner approached their relationship. When she had important events or things she was looking forward to, she often went alone. Despite this, she says she was always there to accompany her partner to the events he was looking forward to.
Liv explains that she recently realized that when you’re in a relationship, you should attend events that matter to your partner, even if they don’t particularly interest you personally.
She tells her audience about a recent relationship that ended.
“I’d been in a relationship for nearly four years, and if he’d told me he wanted to go to any event, I would have happily gone with him,” she explains. “It could have been a puppet show, but I would have said, ‘I’m in.’ I just wanted to spend time with you, and I want to discover the things that interest you. I want to share those experiences with you.”
But she points out that this wasn’t the case for her.
“In law school, I had to attend at least 15 shows, maybe even 20. I always went alone… When the Eagles were playing in the NFC Championship Game, I went alone to the Eagles bar. I should have paid more attention to that,” she says.
Ultimately, she believes that people in relationships should place more importance on “moments shared together.”
“And even if they don’t like the subject itself or the band, it doesn’t matter—they should enjoy spending time with you and seeing you happy,” she adds.
In the comments section, Liv explains: “It’s… about reciprocity, compromise, and not feeling like only one person’s interests matter.”
“My ex never wanted to do what I wanted to do”
What Liv describes is a common—yet often overlooked—incompatibility that can quickly reveal that a relationship isn’t the right one. In an on-screen caption in her video, Liv calls this the “concert theory”; some commenters have referred to it as the “theory about concerts.”
According to them, someone who isn’t willing to take an interest in their partner’s hobbies isn’t being reciprocal. It seems that showing interest is more important than having shared hobbies.
“I was in a relationship for six years, and I either had to drag him along to activities I enjoyed—he refused to go—or focus solely on what he liked. That’s very important. If they aren’t interested in what you do and aren’t there for you, what purpose do they serve in your life?” asked a viewer.
Another commenter highlighted the differences in how people might approach the “concert theory” in a relationship.
“Begging someone to accompany you to events, or making sacrifices for each of their interests,” he said.
“Attempts to Connect”
While many commenters described Liv’s experience as a “theory” about connection, relationship experts prefer to call it a “request for connection.”
In short, connection attempts occur when a person in a relationship expresses a need. They may want to discuss a topic they’re passionate about and feel heard. Or they may simply want to do something as simple as going to a concert together. In any case, the person is making an “attempt” to connect with their partner.
The Gottman Institute argues that if a partner is willing to respond to a request—by going to a concert with their partner that they wouldn’t normally attend, by showing interest in their partner’s hobbies after they’ve expressed a need, or even simply by improving their nonverbal communication—the relationship can improve and remain healthy. Consistent positive reinforcement following these attempts to connect can strengthen relationships.
But in situations where one partner isn’t truly listening or fails to connect with their partner, the relationship is more likely to fizzle out.
“Perhaps whether couples agree or disagree doesn’t even matter. Perhaps what matters most is how these people pay attention to one another, regardless of the topic of conversation or the activity they’re engaged in,” explains psychologist John Gottman.
Subplot News contacted Liv via email for comment. We will update this article if she responds.
@livlawlove
The article “A Chicago Woman Ends a Four-Year Relationship. Then She Discovers the Concert Theory: ‘It Hurts When You Realize It’” was first published on Subplot News.
A woman from Chicago sees her four-year relationship come to an end. She discovers the “concert theory”: “It hurts to realize that.”
